3 days ago
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I don't want this to become my complaining blog and I don't want to blog just to blog. I keep hoping I will have something of substance to offer and I don't know that I have much of that going on right now. So here is a little something that has been on my mind for quite some time and I need to just get it out.
I struggle, yes I struggle lots, mostly internally because I hate burdening others with things that are just momentarily hard or things that I might feel because I haven't had enough sleep! I would say that overall my difficulties are in trying to find where I fit in this world, I know I'm a wife/mother/daughter/sister blah blah blah, all the titles we take on either by being born or growing up. They are all important rolls and much of the time I am satisfied in them but then I have times when I want to get out there and try new things and explore the interests that I have in the creative fields!! I LOVE being creative, weather the medium be photography, sewing, singing, decorating, cooking or writing I love to express myself through these outlets! It gives me release and fulfillment at the same time, the hardest part about being creative is how subjective it is. One person might think you are the "most amazing" and someone else might think you should quit all together. As humans I think we look for approval in the things we work hard on, as in "Have the efforts I made today been noticed, and are they appreciated?"
I don't believe that my life's' mission is to be a famous singer/photographer/writer/seamstress/decorator, it would be fun, but I don't assume that just because I have interest in them that it means I will be the next HGTV star, American Idol, Paula Dean or Annie Leibovitz, but it would feel wonderful to feel like my talents or passions are effecting others in a positive way. I really want to serve others, I want my gifts to not just be mine, but to be instruments in helping those around me. I am not talking about joining the Peace Core or the Red Cross, while those are noble causes, I want to serve my friends, family, neighbors, anyone who might stand in need in the simplest form, giving of my time and talent. I am not a saint but rather a sinner trying to compensate for my mistakes with a little goodwill. It's a challenge being the creative type because there are soooo many that share the same interests and in a world of competition and cut throat business the little guy just out to enjoy themselves feels pressure to belong! I am that "little guy" trying to belong, let me share some examples.
I have had a deep interest in photography for many many years, I have always had a camera in my hands, they might not be the best cameras out there, but I have always had one or two near by. In high school I would take my little film camera and drive to the edge of town, climb up a mountain side and take pictures of the city below, broken glass, or sunsets, I would sit alone just thinking and taking pictures. I never had the money to buy expensive equipment or take classes to pursue something that was viewed as just a hobby. The same thing can be applied to all the things I enjoy investing my time in, but see this is where it gets complicated, when I look around it feels like EVERYONE and their Mother has the SAME exact interests and they have the time and money to just dive right in, taking classes, buying equipment, creating websites and the balls to advertise themselves as professionals, something I lack. That is where the debilitating self doubt seeps in, if there are so many others (for example) taking pictures I will NEVER stand out so why try?
I once had a wise friend say to me when I was really starting to explore more into the photography world, "There will always be someone with better equipment, more time, and more talent than you, but the main thing is to focus on developing your own style and taking good pictures." At the time I felt discouraged, like it was an uphill battle and then one day I realized that all I wanted to do was take pictures so I could show a little bit of my perspective, to the world through my lens.
I often offer my services for free just so I can be out there doing what I really enjoy doing, do I feel insecure at times, yes, but I just keep doing my thing. I guess I try to have the perspective that one day all these talents might come to good use for something and if I just sit on them and worry about not being good enough then what is the point in having them?? I don't think I will ever be the "Best" at anything, but why stop finding joy in sewing/photography/writing/singing/cooking!?? Again it's all subjective and there has to be at least one person out there that thinks I don't stink, even if that's me, I suppose!!