Saturday, July 10, 2010

Who's That Lady??

(me at 18)

I have gone back and forth, back and forth, write, erase, write, erase many times now and I think I just have to jump in with two feet not testing the water first!

****Deeeeep Breath*****

and go.....

In recent months I have been reflecting a ton on my life before I was here, not here as in the city I live in, but here, me, the woman I am today. I look back at pictures of myself when I was 18 and wince a little, not because I was particularly ugly but because of the sadness that was so near the surface in my life at that time. At the vulnerable age of 18 I was in an intensely abusive relationship; physically, emotionally, mentally all the "ally's" you can think of. On the outside I think I managed to pull the wool over many peoples eyes, my parents knew there were major issues but I don't believe they could have ever imagined the hole I was in. I didn't reach out at that time in my life because I figured I had brought it all on myself and needed to figure it out on my own. I was alone in so many regards, scared, weak, beaten down, embarrassed, ashamed and full of regrets. I wonder now how I got to that place, I was raised by wonderful parents, I had terrific friends, but it was me that I hated and that kept me there, with him.

At 19 I was married and pregnant by the dark cloud I had been allowing in my life for 2 years, and I was even more stuck than before. How could I admit that I had been wrong about him all along, that it had all been a mistake, I just wanted to go home! When I was 8 1/2 months pregnant a small chip in the ice was made, it had been a very difficult day, lots of yelling and screaming. This giant of intimidation stood in front of me telling me all the horrible things I was, calling me names that you wouldn't call your worst enemy, let alone your wife, and "Marylin" broke through, I snapped, the cup of water in my hand sprung forward and splashed in his face, (well I guess he shouldn't have been standing so close), he stood there dripping for a moment and then his eyes burned with fire and I ran as fast as a pregnant lady can run down the hallway. He caught up with me and slammed me against the wall, placing a hand on each side of my head, he drew back his fist, and then, as if someone held his arm, he lowered it and he let me slip away.

There would be many more nights very similar to this one and I stayed until my daughter was born a few months later. When she was just 9 days old the "Marylin" in me shone through just enough to get me out of there and never return! There would be months and years of work ahead of me to overcome the damage that was done, the hatred for myself had to be worked through so I wouldn't end up in that place again, EVER! Was the road short, no, was it easy, no, is it over, mostly. I still have times that I deal with the fear and pain from all those years ago, scars, battle wounds that remind me of where I have been, and why I must never return!

This coming week carries with it the anniversary of a new start, the beginning of forever with my sweet Jimmy. You see he called me on July 14th 2002, it was a Sunday afternoon, I was living with my 3 year old angel in our own apartment when the phone rang. The last name Kelley came up on the caller i.d and my heart began pounding, when I answered, a gentle voice on the other end said "Do you remember me?", of course I did, it was my first love, Jimmy.

The weeks and months that followed went quickly and we reconnected, (for those unaware we met when we were 9 and had kept in touch over the years but it had been 3 years since we last spoke) and we were married 5 months from the day he called me. Heaven had sent him to me, to give me another chance and there was no way I would waste it.

So if I ever appear to "brag" about my husband for all the good he does, it's because I know what the alternative is, and I believe that focusing on the good in my life keeps me safe, keeps me here.



Oh and I am so grateful for the bangs in my younger years because they hid the disaster called my eyebrows, phew so glad I learned from that mistake!! :)

p.s I saved many details to my story,I am saving those for my memoir :)

20 comments:

Gina said...

That is a brave story you have told but a positive one that may inspire someone else in a deep hole to be brave too.

harmonysong said...

Beauty from ashes! I am so sorry you had to overcome something so terrifying, but you did it! So glad you are in a wonderful place and marriage now! Thank you for being so open! I am sure your story will touch and possibly help others going through the same situation.

Derek and Becky said...

You are awesome. I love the person you have become. I am so glad that person has come through so we all can know this wonderful daughter of God.

Emily said...

Oh Marilyn,
My eyes are still welling up with tears. I had NO idea that we had so much in common. I knew there was something about you that spoke volumes to me personally. Thank you for sharing your story:-)
Let's share sometime. It's so important to stick together, especially when we find sisters in experience.
I love what you say about your hubby. I can relate. I relate to the pain, the abuse, the hopelessness, the "losing oneself" and then the awakening and so much more.
God love us!
Em

Jen Anderson said...

I Love who you are!! So thankful we are friends. Isn't it amazing how trials, especially the hard ones, make us strong & thankful??! It is so good to know that His plan is a perfect one.

Faith said...

You are very courageous for sharing your story! Thanks for sharing!!!

Working on becoming Velveteen Rabbit said...

I don't know you, and this is the first time I have been to your blog. Today I really needed to ready your story. Thank you!

Lisa said...

Thanks for this story. May God bless you.

Tyson, Katie and Amelia said...

Wow, girl. Thanks for sharing that. It's a good reminder to us who have good husbands to appreciate them. I'm proud of you for having the strength to leave. Jimmy is my cousin and I know what a great guy he is. I'm glad you realize it! You scored, sister!

Amber said...

I never knew that story. thanks for sharing. you are a very strong woman!
love ya!

inadvertent farmer said...

Love your positive and happy ending...good for you! Kim

Michelle said...

Your eyebrows!!!...oh whatever!!! :) Natural eyebrows were so in back then. (I was living proof! HA!) Now...I have a certain cousin who's current eyebrows make Bozo the Clown's look natural, she could use some serious help. (I'm so mean.)

snekcip said...

A brave story so many women in that situation could grow from. There are so many living in the same conditions and afraid to leave. Praying that they all have their "Marilyn" moments and get out. You and your husband make a beautiful couple. Blessings on your marriage.

Heather B said...

wow...crazy story. you've been through so much!! I love you!! and your pictures are amazing, you just keep getting better and better! Love that last pic of you and Jimmy. You look gorgeous.

Kari Clark said...

So glad that you made those choices then, so that you could be here now. You really have a talent for writing and drawing people in and allowing them to feel what you felt. Thanks for sharing.

Janelle said...

Wow! I have just "met" you...and I am in awe. That was a beautiful, very vulnerable post. I am sure it is not the first time you have ever shared your story, but maybe the first time on your blog? Anyhoo...I am sure you will find it quite gratifying to have released that stuff by typing it out and sharing it. and quite possibly nudge someone else to share their story, or help someone who is stil "in the story" and needs a way out.

Can't wait to read more on your blog. Thanks for stopping by and commenting on mine. I would LOVE if you wanted to do a guest post on the subject of raising boys. You can email me at jjinspirations@gmail.com

www.queenofthehouseofboys.blogspot.com
www.jandjinspirations.com

BZmommy said...

I love these glimpses of where you have been because they are part of why you are the wonderful person you are today! Thank you so much for sharing! Glad you have your very own "Peter" now and can join those of us who have wonderful husbands who never let us forget how loved and beautiful we are. Satan's biggest tool is getting women to forget that and Heavenly Father's greatest blessing is helping us to remember it. Strong Women who know their influence can do SO MUCH. Look at all of the people you've touched just in this one blog entry. Amazing!

John and Marissa said...

It is certain to say that you have known the opposite extremes of husbands...and yet, I see how happy you and Jimmy are and it's easy to forget those scarey times. You were just meant for each other...kinda stinks that you had to go through that garbage, but then you wouldn't have Lex! Don't apologize for sharing! I'm sure you are helping many!

millisa said...

you are such a light. so grateful that you have jimmy and all the love of your family and friends. you made it out of a dark place, and i believe your testimony (book)will reach and touch many women's lives; giving them the courage to get out, walk through, and live again. love you!

Annie said...

Thanks for your story! I am so glad that you got out. we have known each other for my entire life (literally) and I know that all of us close around worried and prayed for you. I love ya girl and I am so happy that Jimmy called you because I love having "Marylin" around!!! xoxox