(me at 18)I have gone back and forth, back and forth, write, erase, write, erase many times now and I think I just have to jump in with two feet not testing the water first!
****Deeeeep Breath*****
and go.....
In recent months I have been reflecting a ton on my life before I was here, not here as in the city I live in, but here, me, the woman I am today. I look back at pictures of myself when I was 18 and wince a little, not because I was particularly ugly but because of the sadness that was so near the surface in my life at that time. At the vulnerable age of 18 I was in an intensely abusive relationship; physically, emotionally, mentally all the "ally's" you can think of. On the outside I think I managed to pull the wool over many peoples eyes, my parents knew there were major issues but I don't believe they could have ever imagined the hole I was in. I didn't reach out at that time in my life because I figured I had brought it all on myself and needed to figure it out on my own. I was alone in so many regards, scared, weak, beaten down, embarrassed, ashamed and full of regrets. I wonder now how I got to that place, I was raised by wonderful parents, I had terrific friends, but it was me that I hated and that kept me there, with him.
At 19 I was married and pregnant by the dark cloud I had been allowing in my life for 2 years, and I was even more stuck than before. How could I admit that I had been wrong about him all along, that it had all been a mistake, I just wanted to go home! When I was 8 1/2 months pregnant a small chip in the ice was made, it had been a very difficult day, lots of yelling and screaming. This giant of intimidation stood in front of me telling me all the horrible things I was, calling me names that you wouldn't call your worst enemy, let alone your wife, and "Marylin" broke through, I snapped, the cup of water in my hand sprung forward and splashed in his face, (well I guess he shouldn't have been standing so close), he stood there dripping for a moment and then his eyes burned with fire and I ran as fast as a pregnant lady can run down the hallway. He caught up with me and slammed me against the wall, placing a hand on each side of my head, he drew back his fist, and then, as if someone held his arm, he lowered it and he let me slip away.
There would be many more nights very similar to this one and I stayed until my daughter was born a few months later. When she was just 9 days old the "Marylin" in me shone through just enough to get me out of there and never return! There would be months and years of work ahead of me to overcome the damage that was done, the hatred for myself had to be worked through so I wouldn't end up in that place again, EVER! Was the road short, no, was it easy, no, is it over, mostly. I still have times that I deal with the fear and pain from all those years ago, scars, battle wounds that remind me of where I have been, and why I must never return!
This coming week carries with it the anniversary of a new start, the beginning of forever with my sweet Jimmy. You see he called me on July 14th 2002, it was a Sunday afternoon, I was living with my 3 year old angel in our own apartment when the phone rang. The last name Kelley came up on the caller i.d and my heart began pounding, when I answered, a gentle voice on the other end said "Do you remember me?", of course I did, it was my first love, Jimmy.
The weeks and months that followed went quickly and we reconnected, (for those unaware we met when we were 9 and had kept in touch over the years but it had been 3 years since we last spoke) and we were married 5 months from the day he called me. Heaven had sent him to me, to give me another chance and there was no way I would waste it.
So if I ever appear to "brag" about my husband for all the good he does, it's because I know what the alternative is, and I believe that focusing on the good in my life keeps me safe, keeps me here.
Oh and I am so grateful for the bangs in my younger years because they hid the disaster called my eyebrows, phew so glad I learned from that mistake!! :)
p.s I saved many details to my story,I am saving those for my memoir :)
